Harold The Jewelry Buyer wears many faces to the public – diamond and gold flogger, irrepressible (and disturbingly creepy) TV pitchman, and a central character in an underground diamond war that has to be read to be believed. Here is the link to The Star article covering the last point.

Suspected Arson – Gold Wars

But recently Harold has donned yet another cap – Real Estate Saviour!

By now I am sure you have seen the ads, with Harold sitting at his desk as dead eyed and affectless as ever. But this time he has a different message, and if he has his way he just might become the next real estate mogul!

What follows is a summary of the ad copy. A link to the video is here.

1) Harold wants to buy your house and contents, with a 15 day close, at “slightly less than market value”.

This can’t miss. After a disastrous weekend on the Craps tables Harold will help you stave off financial ruin, buying everything you own in one fell swoop. Of course the house appraisal will be done by his cousin Howard the gold smelter, and God knows how you would ever value the contents. I would like to be a fly on the wall when these deals go down.

2) First, second and third mortgages within 5 business days.

If somebody were to decide that Harold is their best option for a first mortgage I would argue they aren’t the swiftest cat out there, especially given all the creative (and legitimate) brokers out there. But if somebody goes to Harold for a third mortgage I would argue their life has gone horribly off the rails, probably fuelled by copious amounts of booze, drugs and internet porn.

3) No income statements necessary.

That Harold sure is a trusting guy. All you have to do is write down what you earn on a chicken wing soiled wet nap and he will believe you. He really will.

4) Bad credit, no problem.

Perfect. So what if you have $45,000 in high interest debt and only make $35,000 a year? No problem! With Harold in your corner you can get right out there and buy that 4 bedroom detached, and even a diamond ring.

At this point I was hooked, and I thought of all the deadbeat clients I wasted time on over the years that could now be brought to life, thanks to Harold. In need of more info I picked up the phone and dialed the number from the ad. It rang and rang, and for some inexplicable reason I felt nervous as I waited on the line, like a kid putting in a prank call to a pizza shop. Finally a voicemail clicked in, and it was Harold himself on the recording. Harold spoke forever and offered excruciating details on every minutiae of his business, and then concluded by saying the store was closed on Saturdays. Of course I was calling on a Saturday, which tends to be busy day in real estate, to put it mildly. Nonplussed I hung up the phone and my quest for more info would have to wait for another day, which I will detail in part 2 of this blog.